Every time I attempt to write this blog post, I always lose the words, unable to put together a sentence that respects what I saw. I can’t put into words my emotions or reactions in a way that would do this experience justice. When I asked for help it was difficult for others to respond as well. I think the best I can do is say that everything you think you know is nothing compared to the truth. Going into a building or crossing train tracks, it all has a completely different feel than if you were looking at pictures or reading about it. I’m not sure if I can properly explain to you what I saw and experienced, but I will do my best.
Walking through Auschwitz, I tried to put myself in someone else’s shoes that experienced the horrors and trauma that occurred, but that’s impossible. I attempted to think of the millions of people that died, but then I realized I can’t imagine that many people altogether. Furthermore, I don’t think I can even imagine one single person in this situation. We read about the history of it and even get survivor stories. But the truth is, no one except the victims of these horrible crimes can understand. I want to understand, but I never will. I may receive 1% of the truth, but the rest is incomprehensible. That may be why this blog is so difficult to write. I will share my own experience, although it will not amount to the truth that lies within the grounds of this camp.
While I was writing down notes in the camp, I wrote a small side comment about crying during the tour. To give context, I broke down about 5 minutes into the visit. I was crying as I saw pictures of children, prosthetic legs of people who were killed almost immediately, and the faces of those around me reacting to all of this. There were so many rooms filled with terrible parts of history that one just wants to believe wasn’t real. After I began tearing up, I thought about what I was crying for and why I cried? At first, I thought I was crying for those who could not, but then I realized I was crying because I accepted the truth that I could never comprehend what I was seeing. I would never understand the full truth of what happens, and that tore me apart. I keep going back to the idea of wanting to understand, and I really do believe it’s okay to try and understand and attempt to relate, but I don’t think that’s possible. No matter how hard I tried to understand the camp, I just couldn’t. I really want to write a fantastic piece that lets you know the horrors of Auschwitz, but I can’t. I don’t know how to respond, all I will say is that you need to visit for yourself, and figure out the things I did.
Other blog posts on this site will most certainly have pictures showing the experiences of events on this trip. I’m not going to post pictures, because in my mind I don’t think it’s respectful. A picture you see will never do the in-person reaction justice. I am not saying that other peers who took photos are in the wrong. I don’t believe there is a wrong or right answer, I just think that pictures are not good enough. Pictures are said to speak a thousand words, but it could never convey the reality of 6.8 million victims. If you want to see pictures, I will put a link at the bottom to an article that shows various views of the camp. My tour guide said a very interesting thing at the end of the tour, and it may encapsulate my feelings about taking pictures. We can read about all the horrors that happened, but to see it in person is to truly realize it all happened. If you ever visit Auschwitz, you will understand what they meant. I think I will end with that quote. This was my trip to Auschwitz, and I don’t really have much more to say, as I don’t know what to say. – Aaron Ristau
PLU/PSY387 Transitions & Trauma 